Children, Repentance, and Oranges

Several years ago, my six year old came to me with a look on his face that we all would recognize as a little boy who had just done something he shouldn't. He held out three quarters in his hand and peered up at me--couldn't even lift his head because of the shame he felt. He didn't say anything, so my inquiry began:

"David, where did you get those quarters?"

"I found 'em."

"You lucky boy! Where did you find them?"

"On the sidewalk."

"On the sidewalk in front of whose house?"

"Just on the sidewalk...(sigh)...okaaaay, I found them in front of Laff's house."

"Well, we better go talk to Laff then and see if they belong to him, don't you think?"

"(Bigger sigh)...Okaaaaay, I found them on Laff's porch."

"Well", I thought, "now we are getting somewhere."

Using my very best parenting skills, and as lovingly as I could, I expressed my appreciation for his honesty. I explained that we NEVER take things from others without asking. I suggested that he return the money and apologize so that he could feel better inside. So, after some coaxing, we walked across the street together and I stood beside him on the porch like a reassuring mother should, giving him encouragement to do the right thing. As we were walking home afterwards, I sensed some relief in my little boy's disposition.

Boy...was I fooled!

Evidently, his entire confession was a fib. He and his five-year-old sister had gone TWO BLOCKS out of their boundaries, stolen ORANGES off of a neighbor's tree, and SOLD them for two dollars and twenty five cents! All but the last three quarters had already made it into his bank.

So, on Sunday afternoon, we took a family walk to ANOTHER porch and went through a similar situation in attempt to make restitution. Because we told them to, the kids apologized to the neighbor for taking oranges without asking and promised not to do it again.

I came home feeling extremely inadequate at my endeavors to teach my children the meaning of true repentance. The thought of my kids growing into juvenile delinquents locked behind bars with orange pulp on their faces haunted me. I felt a tremendous responsibility and wondered if I could possibly prepare them to become honest, law-abiding adults.

At that very moment, the phone rang. It was a member of the Stake Presidency asking me to speak in the upcoming Stake Conference. (For those of you who are not members of my church, Stake Conference is a semi-annual meeting where approximately 500-700 people are in the congregation. No biggie.) My assigned subject?..."TEACHING CHILDREN THE PRINCIPLES OF REPENTANCE, FORGIVENESS, AND LOVE". Do you get the idea that our Heavenly Father knows us personally?

Then, if it wasn't miraculous enough that I was asked to speak on the very subject that consumed my thoughts at the moment, he explained that I would be speaking with a General Authority. "Have you ever heard of C. Max Caldwell", he asked? "Yes, as a matter of fact, I have. That great man was my mission president ten years ago. I have a deep love and respect for him. No one has taught me more on these very principles than he has."

I felt tremendous comfort knowing without a doubt that my Heavenly Father was very aware of the details of my life. He loved me, and He knew how to communicate it in a way that I would recognize with complete certainty, exactly when I needed it. I felt like He was saying, "Colleen, you ARE doing a good job. Keep trying, and I will bless your efforts." I recognize and am grateful for the tender mercies of the Lord in my life. He is a concerned, involved, loving Father and I am His daughter. That's the most important thing I know.

Helping Your Children Achieve Their Goals

Reaching our goals gives us a great feeling of accomplishment, builds our self confidence, and drives us towards more progress and growth. Learning to set and achieve goals can and should begin very young. How young? Easily by three years of age. What kind of goal could a three-year-old possibly have? Well, if you've ever raised a child, you might understand that any of these could be possibilities:

1. Stay in my bed all night.

2. Keep my panties dry all day.

3. Wipe myself when I go potty.

4. Eat all my vegetables at meal time.

5. Pick up my toys every day.

I had a two-year-old say to me the other day with great excitement, "Ms. Colleen, I sleeped ALL NIGHT!" She was so proud of her accomplishment. More so, I think, than she was about the sparkly sticker mom and dad gave her in the morning.

For a five-year old, the goal may be:

1. Tie my own shoes.

2. Read a book aloud each night.

3. Make my bed every day before breakfast.

4. Use good manners at the dinner table.

5. Put away my clean laundry without being asked.

Professionals say it takes approximately 21 days to develop a new habit (seven days to break one). So, we can't expect a child to conquer any of these overnight. It's a process. The best thing we can do is to encourage them, give them incentive, and help them (and ourselves) visualize their progress. A few great ways to do that will be explained here.

First of all, in order to succeed, it's important to know what motivates your child. (Like I said in yesterday's post, it's amazing what a kid will do for a sticker.) Typically, younger children are motivated by toys, treats, and television time (that is, if television viewing is limited in the home...like it should be). Teenagers tend to be motivated by freedom, friends, fun, and food (i.e. driving privileges and money). For my young son, Daniel, the best reward was the latest, most commercially-advertised, action figure on the market. During his early childhood, this varied through the years from Ninja Turtles to Power Rangers to Buzz Lightyear & Woody. For example's sake, let's say he's trying to earn a Power Ranger action figure by making his bed every morning. Here are a few systems that usually worked in our home:

The Pie Chart (recommended for ages 3 and up): Every day, after Daniel makes his bed, he gets to color in one section of the pie. That's an immediate reward for accomplishing a short-term goal. He also can see his progress towards the big reward. What's the long-term goal? Establishing a new habit--making his bed every morning. He knows when the pie is filled, he gets his new Power Ranger toy. I know when the pie is filled, he has established a good habit of making his bed every day. (For a three-year-old, I would start with only eight slices of pie or provide some intermediate rewards. Otherwise, they may lose interest.)

Behavior Bucks (recommended for ages four and up): Every day, after Daniel makes his bed, he earns a "behavior buck" (fake money from the store or from our Monopoly game). The "behavior buck" is an immediate reward for accomplishing a short-term goal. Daniel knows once he has earned 20 behavior bucks, he gets a new Power Ranger action figure. I know when he has earned 20 behavior bucks, he has also established a wonderful habit of making his bed every day. Additional benefit here is reinforcing how to count to 20.

Spell it Out (recommended for ages 5 and up): Every day, after Daniel makes his bed, he gets a huge colorful letter prominently displayed for all to see. Eventually, the letters will spell "POWER RANGER ACTION TOY". Each letter is an immediate reward for accomplishing a short-term goal. (Plus, most people who see the big letters ask about them and make positive comments. That gives Daniel even more incentive. ) Daniel knows when the words are complete, he gets his new toy. I know when the words are complete, he has established a good habit of making his bed every day. Additional benefits here are learning to recognize letters, sounds, and words.

If you've ever taken a beginning psychology class, you know that once the habit is established, the reward can gradually be removed. It's the ole' Pavlov's theory with the dogs. Eventually, they would salivate just hearing the bell ring. Hopefully, once the rewards are removed completely, Daniel will continue to feel good about himself every morning as he makes his bed independently. That's the goal anyway. However, I will say that every few years, a new reward system may need to be established.

Again, my emphasis here is the early years. I feel so strongly that much of our children's personality, moral character, and mental capacity is developed between birth and age eight. Although it is no one's job but mine (and my husband's) to teach, inspire and motivate my children, I appreciate the outside positive influences from church, school, and community. They say "It takes a whole village to raise a child." Thankfully, we belong to a wonderful church that provides goal-oriented programs for our children from age eight until eighteen. Without support from home, though, these programs don't avail much.

I hope this post is helpful to someone out there. The important things are that you try to emphasize "positive reinforcement", remain optimistic, and don't give up. Of course, I'm sharing ideas that worked for us; there were plenty that didn't. And then there were those that worked sometimes and didn't at others. Any experienced parent will tell you what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another. Parenting requires (among other things) some trial and error. Isn't it wonderful that God trusts imperfect beings like you and me to raise His precious children?

"YOU DID IT!" Reward System

It's still amazing to me what a kid will do to earn a sticker, but then I realize how good it feels when I, as a grown adult, simply cross something off my "to do" list. Sometimes, I'll even write down things I've already done, just so I can cross them off. I know, pathetic. It seems such a small thing; but it carries deep satisfaction. It says, "YES! I DID IT!"

When my four children were ages two through six, we started a reward system that actually worked for longer than a week--I think it was closer to a couple of years. I used a large incentive chart with their four names at the left and hundreds of tiny squares to the right. Simple, right? The goal was to fill the squares with tiny smiley face stickers. They could earn up to four stickers a day. How? By fulfilling their responsibilities with a good attitude. See, because if they were going to whine and cry and grumble their way through their duties, I would rather just do it myself. I wanted them to learn responsibility, but I also wanted them to learn to be cheerful about it.

If you read yesterday's post, you know we had a routine for morning, after school, and evening. If they made it through that portion of the day (morning, afternoon, or evening) with a good attitude, they were rewarded. (So, one melt down in the morning didn't mean, "Why try? The entire day is ruined!" It meant, "I won't get a sticker this morning, but I'll do better this afternoon.")

I said four a day; that's only three. We also worked each morning at the breakfast table on memorizing our church's Articles of Faith (13 statements about what we believe) and/or various poems that would teach them a virtue or life skill. Children's minds are amazing! They are little sponges and I wanted to take advantage of those most formative years...ages birth through eight. Here are a couple examples of poems they learned:

Stick to your task till it sticks to you;

Beginners are many, but enders are few.

Honour, power, place, and praise

Will come, in time, to the one who stays.

Stick to your task till it sticks to you;

Bend at it, sweat at it, smile at it too;

For out of the bend and the sweat and the smile

Will come life's victories, after awhile.

-Anonymous

All the water in the world, No matter how it tried

Could never sink the smallest ship, Unless it got inside.

All the evil of the world, And every kind of sin

Could never damn a human soul, Unless we let it in.

(M. Russell Ballard May 1989 Ensign, p. 80)

My mother says she doesn't care,

About the color of my hair,

Or if my eyes are blue or brown,

Or if my nose turns up or down.

She says she doesn't care about things like that

It really doesn't matter.

My mother says she doesn't care

If I'm dark or if I'm fair,

If I'm thin or if I'm fat.

She says she doesn't care about things like that,

It really doesn't matter.

But if I cheat or tell a lie,

Or do mean things to make folks cry,

If I'm rude or impolite,

And do not try to do what's right...

That matters!

It isn't looks that make one great;

It's character that seals your fate.

It's what you are in your heart, you see,

That makes or mars your destiny.

And that REALLY matters!

(Author Unknown)

Whatever we were working on was printed and posted right next to the chart. As soon as the kids could quote it to me twice in a row without any help, they earned another sticker. It was unlikely that they would memorize one every day, but it was perfectly possible. The two year old was the fastest memorizer in the group! Check this post for tips on helping kids memorize.

Now, if earning stickers alone wasn't enough, every ten stickers they got to roll the die. Half the fun was the surprise of not knowing what they would earn. Here's the reward attached to each number on the die:

1. Surprise Box (A collection of small toys and treats that I picked up on sale and wrapped in fun paper.)

2. Play Date (Invite a friend over to play at our house - this was always a favorite.)

3. Mommy or Daddy Date (A one-on-one evening out doing a fun activity like bowling or getting manicures. The evening usually included ice cream cones and a late bedtime.)

4. Shiny new quarter (Yes, they loved this reward. It was enough to buy a giant gumball from the machine at Costco. They didn't care that it had taken them days to earn 25 cents. It was their own hard-earned coin!)

5. Painting on the art easel (This was a messy activity that required supervision. I didn't let them do it everyday.)

6. Free Choice or Roll Again (It was really "free choice", but if they couldn't decide within a reasonable amount of time, we made them roll again.)

I think one of the reasons this system worked so well is that it integrated both short-term and long-term goals. It also had a variety of rewards so they didn't get bored easily. Everyone gathered around for the die rolling whenever someone earned ten stickers. The entire family would cheer them on. Some earned ten stickers every two and a half days, others took a week. Everyone could work at their own pace.

My kids are now ages 17 to 21. They can still tell you what each die roll represented and I'll never forget the precious mommy dates we shared.

Jennie and Mom - May 1996

This pic was taken in a photo booth

at the mall during one of our mommy/daughter dates.

Teaching Children the Value of Work

One of our Relief Society lessons last month was about work and teaching children the value of work. Our instructor did a great job leading the discussion.

One sister suggested using GAMES to make work more fun. That is a great idea and one that definitely worked for our family! My kids remember "fishing" for jobs with a homemade pole concocted of a wooden dowel, string, and magnet. The little paper fish were brightly colored and each had a job paper clipped to it.

The kids would run to do their job and hurry back to fish again. Other simple games included "beat the clock". I would set the timer and see if they could finish a particular job to my satisfaction before the bell went off. Then there were always the fun ways to pick up, "Let's race! You pick up all the red ones and I'll get all the yellow ones" We also used the gunny bag song shared by Richard and Linda Eyre. These were all fun ways to make work more enjoyable.

During our lesson, another sister mentioned how important our ATTITUDES are as mothers. Do we grumble about the work we have to do, or do we enjoy it? Our attitude and example is so important! There is a great feeling of satisfaction that comes from a job well done. This is something we need to let our children experience at a young age. Work is truly a blessing in our lives and we should see it as such.

There were lots of other great comments as the lesson progressed. Finally, I broke into song sharing how MUSIC helped me teach my children to work when they were little. Following are some of the songs that helped make work fun in our home.

Bedrime Routine (to the tune of "Row, Row, Row your Boat"):

Brush, brush, brush your teeth,

Take your flouride pill.

Go potty, get your books,

See, it's no big deal.

When my kids were little, we lived in an area that didn't have enough flouride in the city water. We had to supplement with flouride pills which they took every night. They also got to choose five books each night to take to bed with them. I would come around to each child's bed and read to them; then, they could lay in bed and look at the books until they were tired enough to fall asleep. If they snuck out of bed, the first thing to go was their books, the second was the night light and the third was the open door. They quickly learned to stay in bed and keep their privileges. I didn't want all the yelling and spanking at bedtime that I've witnessed in some homes. Bedtime can be so hard, especially if kids are unhappy. This song helped keep all of us in a better mood.

After School Routine (to the tune of "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star" or "ABC Song"):

When I come home after school,

I'll be sure to keep the rules.

Place my shoes upon the shelf,

Hang my coat up by myself,

Put my pack and lunch away,

After snack and homework, play!

With four kids coming in the door at once each afternoon, I didn't want utter chaos with shoes, coats, and books all over the floor. So, I started training the first one when he was just in preschool...and we grew from there. This song helped them to remember their responsibilities: to put away their shoes, coat, backpack, and lunchbox. (They also had an "inbox" where they placed any papers for mom to look at, sign, etc.) Once they put all their things where they belonged, they could have an after school snack (no snacks allowed after 4:00 pm.). Following snack, they did their homework, and then they could go play.

Morning Routine (to the tune of "One Little, Two Little, Three Little Indians"

Bed, books, bottle, blanket, beauty breakfast,

Bed, books, bottle, blanket, beauty, breakfast,

Bed, books, bottle, blanket, beauty, breakfast,

These are our morning B-jobs.

The kids' morning routine basically consisted of making their bed, cleaning up their room, and getting themselves ready for the day before they could come down for breakfast. When they went to bed, their rooms were already clean. In the morning they had to make their bed, put away their five books from the night before, put away their water bottle (I started having them keep a water bottle on their nightstand so they didn't yell "I'm thirsty" ten minutes after they brushed their teeth. They never drank much of it, but it kept them in bed. They didn't have the excuse of getting up because they needed a drink.) They also remembered to put away their special blanket that nana made them when they were born. They slept with those until they became rags! "Beauty" meant get dressed and comb your hair. Basically both you and your room should look beautiful. Breakfast was the reward!

Once the kids were all school age, I instituted "family service" something that they were to do each morning that benefitted the family as a whole. Making their bed and getting themselves ready was great, but it was all about THEM. Mom is always doing for everyone else, why shouldn't they? These were the four "morning service" opportunities that they rotated while mom made a healthy breakfast (NO TV in the a.m.!!!):

1. Set the breakfast table.

2. Make the juice for breakfast (from concentrate)

3. Pack the school lunches....including making the sandwiches

4. Organize the shoe shelf.

Kids are often much more capable than we think. Give them a big responsibility and they will rise to the occasion. Spreading is a great thing to teach pre-schoolers. It helps them develop fine motor skills. Let them spread peanut butter on their own cracker! By time they are school age, there is no reason they can't make a sandwich. And if they are making one, why not make four? I think it was really good for my kids to serve each other in these capacities each morning.

Finally, here's the song we sang while doing dishes. I didn't make this one up. I stole it from someone else:

Kitchen Duty (to the tune of "I Love the Mountains")

I love the dishes,

I love the pots and pans,

I love the silverware,

I love the dishpan hands,

I love to do it all,

after every meal.

Kitchen duty, kitchen duty, kitchen duty, kitchen duty

Sometimes, I'll still sing this while loading the dishwasher. It makes me smile and I start dancing around the kitchen. For me and my family, music makes work more fun. I hope this is helpful to someone else out there. :)

Check back later to learn about a reward program/chart that really worked!

What the HAIL?!!!!

It was up to 90 degrees today, but Olathe got the "hail" pelted out of it tonight. This chunk melted a little before I could gather the camera and ruler. As you can see it's AT LEAST one-inch in diameter and there's plenty more where it came from. I'm also posting photos my friends and neighbors took. Enjoy!

Lovgrens' "lumpa" hail

Etchells' "goofball" hail

Petersons' "pretty big" hail

Watts' "cotton ball" hail

Blacks' "believe-it-or-not" hail

Burtons' "big ole" hail

Andersons' "all alike" hail

Hansens' "whole-inch" hail

Per's "probably radioactive" hail

aaaaAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!

Thoughts from General Conference

This weekend, my church held it's 181st annual General Conference in this beautiful Conference Center in Salt Lake City.

Large enough to comfortably hold a Boeing 747,

the auditorium seats about 21,200 people

My husband and I enjoy Conference for two days twice a year (every April and October) even if we can't be present in the huge auditorium. The proceedings are always broadcast over the internet, television, and radio throughout the world in hundreds of languages.

President Thomas S. Monson and his two counselors,

Henry B. Eyring and Dieter F. Uchtforf

(The First Presidency of The Church)

I always look forward to gathering in the family room with close friends and family to hear the beautiful music, listen to the counsel of our church leaders, and feel the spirit of the Lord. We usually enjoy a delicious Sunday dinner between the morning and afternoon sessions.

Spring flowers on Temple Square in Salt Lake City

This year, my heart is smiling because all four of our kids are together for Conference Sunday even though they are away from home. They even planned their own big Sunday dinner. I'm thrilled to know that they are carrying on our family traditions.

Jessie (17), Jen (20), Daniel (19)

David (21) with his sweetheart, Becca.

Table is set!

Food is ready

The "little" sisters - Liz and Jessie

Er'body (between sessions, of course)

I am grateful to Nathan and Joyce Ricks (Becca's parents) for opening their beautiful home to all the Drake kids. Thank you Ricks family!

These are a few of my favorite quotes from this Conference:

"I know you can't see me, but I am right here, and you can do this."

--Jean A. Stevens

"Desires dictate our priorities; priorities shape our choices; and choices determine our actions. The desires we act on...determine our changing, our achieving, and our becoming."

--Dallin H. Oaks

"Preach the gospel at all times; and when necessary, use words."

--Saint Francis of Assisi

"Sometimes we want to have growth without challenges...the only way to see the view is to make the climb."

--Paul V. Johnson

"Even more amazing than modern technology is our opportunity to access information directly from heaven, without hardware, software, or monthly service fees.

--Elder Russel M. Nelson

"Niether our professions, nor our possessions determine who we are."

--Elder Lynn G. Robbins

"Apparently the message of the gospel is to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable."

--Harold B. Lee

"Marriage provides an ideal setting to overcome any tendencies to be selfish"

--Richard G. Scott

"The Church is not a fast food outlet, we can't always 'have it our way'.... Salvation only comes in His way."

--Jeffrey R. Holland

Outside the Conference Center in the evening

Did you hear? Daniel's goin' on a mission!

It's true!

He submitted his completed forms

on Wednesday night(March 30th, 2011)

The Stake President actually let Daniel do it himself,

so he counted down and clicked on "submit".

The call should come anytime in the next two weeks.

Check back to see where he's going.

Better yet, leave a comment with your prediction!

Wouldn't you let this handsome young man in your door?